I figured out the address for this blog probably a week ago. I didn't want to write then because I was frustrated and then a few days went by with the grind of life and there was no time. I didn't plan on writing today because I was frustrated again but I realized if I waited till I wasn't frustrated I may never put finger to keyboard.
So I'm a woman in my early forties who has been the primary caregiver of my mother since literally days after I turned 30. I'm not sure that either of us knew then that it would be a permanent situation but as it has become more clear that is the case it has been a struggle. Not just because it's interesting raising your parents but even more so as they age, their memory slips here and there and they become more resistant to living in the world as it is instead of the world they want to hold on to with everything from rules and terminology being different to believing people are taking advantage of them because of the way things are priced now.
I'm also someone who is pretty transparent about the ways in which I get frustrated with care giving and that can make people who are missing their mothers very angry. I appreciate their struggle, I feel that way about people complaining about their fathers, but even if mom had been my bestie before she moved in there would be days this is still frustrating. She's not so badly off that she needs more care than I can provide but she also doesn't want to do most things by herself, can't drive and is just a bit of a pain in the butt from time to time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother dearly otherwise I would let her make bad decisions when she's upset with me and I wouldn't try to help her manage her resources. However, we don't have much in common so if I don't want to rearrange my interests to spend time with her she gets even more frustrated. Forgive me for not wanting to watch TV shows that are older than me (and sometimes her) and not thinking action movies with Jean-Claude Van Dam or Steven Seagall are worth watching for fun.
You may wonder why I'm writing this now especially since she's been with me for over a decade and the reason is simple. We don't tend to give caregivers room to vent. We talk about self care and respite care but those things are only as good as the area you live in and to the extent your loved one will engage in them. My mother is very much from the school of thought that no one should know what's going on with her that she doesn't want them to so even things like the free shuttle become an area of contention because it won't cater specifically to her and she has to share the space with others.
It's okay to be stressed and wonder if you are doing things all wrong. It's okay to be angry and need a drink so that you don't lash out. It's okay to cry and seek out someone that will understand. And if you don't have any of those things it's okay to reach out here and I'll happily validate your experience and we can talk through something. Before anyone asks too, yes I've done therapy as I needed to about these things and have tried to do that with mom as well. That was a non starter but I have to stay healthy to take care of not only her but myself.
So that's it for now. I'm not sure where I will share this and if it will evolve beyond care giving updates but had to start somewhere. Have a great weekend.
So I'm a woman in my early forties who has been the primary caregiver of my mother since literally days after I turned 30. I'm not sure that either of us knew then that it would be a permanent situation but as it has become more clear that is the case it has been a struggle. Not just because it's interesting raising your parents but even more so as they age, their memory slips here and there and they become more resistant to living in the world as it is instead of the world they want to hold on to with everything from rules and terminology being different to believing people are taking advantage of them because of the way things are priced now.
I'm also someone who is pretty transparent about the ways in which I get frustrated with care giving and that can make people who are missing their mothers very angry. I appreciate their struggle, I feel that way about people complaining about their fathers, but even if mom had been my bestie before she moved in there would be days this is still frustrating. She's not so badly off that she needs more care than I can provide but she also doesn't want to do most things by herself, can't drive and is just a bit of a pain in the butt from time to time.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother dearly otherwise I would let her make bad decisions when she's upset with me and I wouldn't try to help her manage her resources. However, we don't have much in common so if I don't want to rearrange my interests to spend time with her she gets even more frustrated. Forgive me for not wanting to watch TV shows that are older than me (and sometimes her) and not thinking action movies with Jean-Claude Van Dam or Steven Seagall are worth watching for fun.
You may wonder why I'm writing this now especially since she's been with me for over a decade and the reason is simple. We don't tend to give caregivers room to vent. We talk about self care and respite care but those things are only as good as the area you live in and to the extent your loved one will engage in them. My mother is very much from the school of thought that no one should know what's going on with her that she doesn't want them to so even things like the free shuttle become an area of contention because it won't cater specifically to her and she has to share the space with others.
It's okay to be stressed and wonder if you are doing things all wrong. It's okay to be angry and need a drink so that you don't lash out. It's okay to cry and seek out someone that will understand. And if you don't have any of those things it's okay to reach out here and I'll happily validate your experience and we can talk through something. Before anyone asks too, yes I've done therapy as I needed to about these things and have tried to do that with mom as well. That was a non starter but I have to stay healthy to take care of not only her but myself.
So that's it for now. I'm not sure where I will share this and if it will evolve beyond care giving updates but had to start somewhere. Have a great weekend.
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